3 Saturday Morning Jokes For Your Entertainment

UPDATES 11 am Israel time, Saturday, July 27 2013:

*At 9:46 am–a little more than an hour ago–residents of Eilat reported two missile impact explosions. This coincides with intense fighting that has been going on all day between the Egyptian Army and Islamist terrorists along the Egyptian-Israeli Sinai border.

*The death toll in Cairo continues to arise. The latest numbers at this hour are that 120 Pro-Morsi Muslim Brotherhood supporters have been killed and another 4500 wounded in an attack by the Army on a Muslim Brotherhood demonstration earlier this morning. Others have been killed throughout Egypt including nine Egyptians in Alexandria.

*The international media has reported that a number of Palestinians have been killed by Palestinians in the Yarmouk suburb of Damascus today. The internecine warfare between the pro-Assad PFLP (Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine) and anti-Assad Palestinian factions has already emptied the suburb of at least one third of its residents.

By the way, Yarmouk–a neighborhood of high-rise apartment buildings–is being widely described in the international media this morning as “a refugee camp”.

The Palestinian suburb of Damascus--a place of broad avenues, high rise apartment buildings, and internecine Palestinian warfare.

The Palestinian Yarmouk suburb of Damascus–a place of broad avenues, high rise apartment buildings, and internecine Palestinian warfare.


Today’s updates notwithstanding, your humble servant thought he would regale you this morning with 3 jokes for your Saturday entertainment.

1. Did you hear the joke about Catherine Ashton and the European Union?

The set up:

First, in a move straight out of 1930s Nazi Germany, the European Union this week initiated a boycott on all Jewish products being produced across the 1949 Armistice lines and forbade European companies from doing business with any Israeli company unless a specific contract is signed stating that “East Jerusalem” and the “West Bank” are not part of Israel. Yesterday, Israel responded by calling an immediate halt to any cooperation between Israel and the EU on everything having to do with Judea, Samaria, the eastern neighborhoods of Jerusalem, and Gaza.

The punchline:

Demanding “urgent clarifications”, Catherine Ashton, the baroness buffoon EU “Foreign Minister” expressed her utter dismay that her office had not been officially informed of the Israeli action, and her horror that Israel had issued restrictions “affecting the Union’s actions to support the Palestinian people.” Of immediate concern to Ashton was that EU -proclaimed “humanitarian staff members” have been denied permits to enter Gaza.

(Note to reader: this is the moment you should be falling off of your seat laughing.)

An Israeli spokesman was incredulous at the sheer hypocrisy of the EU:  “From our side, we can not just ignore [the EU boycott] or treat us as if this is lyric rain.” 

2. Did you hear the one about the Turkish bird?

(Note to reader: you can laugh at any time during this joke.)

The setup: 

As we all know, the Arab world is obsessed with Israeli technological ability. Hezbollah finds Israeli spying equipment inside every boulder, and the Egyptians think that Mossad sends remote-controlled sharks to the Sinai to scare away tourists. Well, a couple of days ago, a kestrel landed in the Turkish village of Altinayva with a metal band on its foot reading: “24311 Tel Avivunia Israel”. Immediately, the local residents “realized” they had a Zionist spy on their hands.

The punchline:

The poor captured “Zionist bird” was taken to an x-ray machine at a nearby university and thoroughly checked for spying devices such as microchips–all to no avail.

The poor bird (excuse me, Israeli agent) under the x-ray machine.

The poor bird (excuse me, Israeli agent) under the x-ray machine.

Having survived its “interrogation” but probably having been subjected to ultimately lethal radiation, the bird was released, but that didn’t stop the local Turkish newspaper Milliyet from publishing the xray of the bird above the caption “Israeli agent” (see above).

The Mossad agent being released (note how its left wing feathers bear the traces of its interrogation by Turkish authorities).

The Mossad agent being released (note how its left wing feathers bear the traces of its interrogation by Turkish authorities). Picture source: Associated Press.

3. Did you hear the one about the 140 American Jewish “leaders”?

The setup:

140 Jewish leaders have written a letter to Benjamin Netanyahu applauding him for beginning “peace negotiations” with the Palestinians. Signers of the letter include such luminaries as U.S. Senator Joseph Lieberman and well known lawyer Alan Dershowitz.

The punchline:

The letter contains two especially hilarious lines. First we have the uproarious “We recognize that achieving a two-state solution will require a territorial compromise that provides for a Palestinian state without jeopardizing Israel’s security” followed by the equally jocular “That is why we applaud your understanding that one must be willing to make painful compromises to achieve peace.”

(Note to reader: Ok, your humble servant realizes that this is dark humor, but perhaps an incredulous smile has already creased your face?)

Why? Simply because there is no territorial compromise with the Palestinians that does not jeopardize Israel’s security,  and why is it that Jews in America are so willing for Israelis to make painful compromises–painful compromises that are painful because Israelis will end up getting rocketed, bombed, and murdered.

Don’t any of these 140 leaders realize just how stupid they look to average Israelis? Now maybe if they came and lived in Israel in some such place as Sderot, or the Golan Heights, or in Maale Adumim, or in Ariel–then maybe their letter wouldn’t be so funny.




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